We’re almost at the big day! I’m running a little late this year in putting together my annual list to our Christmas friend, Sports Santa.
Yes, there IS a Sports Santa!
He’s that jolly old (key word – OLD) fellow who puts in a good word for us with his more famous cousin at the North Pole.
I have a direct connection with this portly gent. Sports Santa promises me every year that he will deliver our list, bypass those pesky elves, and deliver it directly to “The Big Guy” at the North Pole.
Sports Santa claims to be the world’s first “AI” (as in “Aging Instigator”).
That jolly “Ho, Ho, Ho!” we’ve heard about at this time of year is most likely Sports Santa reading our annual list of sports wishes.
The words “Fat Chance” are generally heard right after Sports Santa finishes laughing.
Time is short, so let’s get started!
Dear Sports Santa:
Thank you for giving Detroit Lions fans a 13-2 start to this season. As you know, we are one of only four NFL teams to have never played in a Super Bowl (sorry, Cleveland, Houston, and Jacksonville – write your own letter!).
Would it be possible for you to ask “The Big Guy” to allow the Lions to play in a Super Bowl – just one time – while I’m still alive?
Signed:
Leo in Motor City
Dear Leo – I received a similar letter from my friend Boudreaux in Thibodaux, Louisiana in 2009. He said, “I’d like to see the Saints win the Super Bowl just one time before I die!” The good news? His Saints won it all in February, 2010.
The bad news? Drew Brees has retired, Coach Sean Payton is now in Denver, and Boudreaux (sadly) passed away earlier this year. Be careful what you ask for, Leo!
**
Here’s another one!
Dear Sports Guy with the Red nose:
I am concerned that the transfer portal and all of this NIL money going to the players will turn the top schools of college football into NFL farm teams. What can you do to help stop this trend?
Signed:
N.S. In Tuscaloosa
Dear tricky Nicky (I see you!) – If memory serves me right, I believe you vanished as fast as Frosty the Snowman on a 60 degree March day!
Sports Santa does have a suggestion for you and millions of your friends concerned about college football. Go to a high school or small college football game next fall! They don’t charge $75 to park your sleigh, either (I’m talking to you, LSU). Those experiences are (almost) as much fun at a fraction of the price.
**
Hey, here’s a letter from Houston!
Dear Fake Santa (uh oh, this guy isn’t happy)
My favorite baseball team is the Houston Astros. Sure, we’ve been to four World Series in the past eight years.
But…we just lost our starting outfielder (Kyle Tucker) to the Cubs! It also doesn’t look like All-Star third baseman Alex Bregman is going to stick around here, either. Can you please send more money so that we can give $200 million to Bregman and remain a contender?
Signed:
Depressed Debra in Houston
Dear Debbie Downer – Your Astros have seen more success in the past eight years than in their entire history going back to the 1960’s. You need to take a breath and be thankful for those two World Series rings! Now, if you want to compete with the Dodgers, Yankees, and Mets and grossly overpay for your players, I suggest that you drive up I-45 to Dallas and visit with the SMU folks. Their alumni group might have a few hundred million dollars laying around and available to loan. Better hurry! My elves say that they are thinking about buying the entire SEC next year!
**
Aha! We have a letter from a golfer!
Dear Sports Santa,
I love watching golf on television, but Scottie Scheffler has become the Grinch of Golf. He just keeps winning, winning, and winning golf tournaments.
That is making golf very boring to watch. What can you do to help stop him from winning so much?
Signed:
Unhappy Gilmore
Dear Chubbs – I’ve really gotta hand it to you! (oops – bad joke – sorry) You must remain patient as Scottie Scheffler’s recent hot streak will eventually fade.
Perhaps the new guy on tour named Shooter M. will bring down the PGA Tour’s hottest player in 2025. If not, Shooter knows a guy with a potty mouth who is willing to follow Mr. Scheffler around to shout encouraging words at him while he is still in his backswing.
**
Up next, a letter from “Bluto in Columbus” (hmm…)
Dearest Sports Guy with the Red outfit,
I make $10 million per year, but I may be the most miserable guy in the USA right now. Everyone seems to hate me just because I can’t seem to get rid of some pesky wolverines that infest my house every other November. My paying guests have had enough. Is there anything which you can do – quickly – to help me out?
Dear Cryin’ Ryan – Get a grip, fellow!
It’s obvious that your wolverine problem has really gotten into your head this holiday season. If you can’t exterminate those pesky animals by putting eight men on the defensive line to stop their run on your house, it’s time to call “College Hunks Moving Junk” soon. I’ve been told that millions of your friends are willing to help you pack and relocate to a more hospitable city for next season.
**
Let’s reach into the mailbag for lengthy note. This one is from Doc Naismith in Massachusetts!
Dear Sports St. Nick,
It seems that a game which I invented has been ruined! When someone successfully tosses a ball into the air and through the peach basket, the player should be rewarded with two points.
In recent years, I understand that my popular game has been encouraging young players to shoot the ball from long distances more often and be rewarded with three points. Almost no one (except for Ben Simmons) wants to do anything but shoot those long shots or, perhaps, dunk the basketball and ruin the nice rims on my baskets.
My game has become so boring this year that I fear teams may start using a red, white, and blue basketball next year. Help, Sports Santa! What can you do to restore my game to its original form?
Dear Old Timer:
First, it sounds as if you are still unhappy that this three point line wasn’t around when you were playing basketball in high school! Do I need to remind you that the only thing that you and Pistol Pete had in common was your long hair and floppy socks?
The answer is simple, Doc Naismith. Just allow the three point shot in the final two minutes of each quarter or half. Now, click your heels together three times and say, “There’s no place like Boston Garden!”
Wow – we are out of time! Time to close the sack and make the drop-off to Sports Santa. He’s visiting in the back yard chatting with his long-time friend, The Great Pumpkin.
I’m almost certain that he will come through for us this year!
Right???