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I am continuing efforts to persuade my lovely wife that she REALLY wants to accompany me and watch the new “Coyote vs. Acme” movie at theaters beginning Friday.
Like the cartoon duo, we are nearly opposites. She (similar to the Roadrunner) always seems to find a way to defeat her creatively overthinking and occasionally overconfident spouse.
I have upgraded the offer to include a dinner bribe if she will accompany me to an afternoon showing of the movie this weekend. She is still mulling the offer as of press time. Expect the location for dinner to be renegotiated soon.
Is that the sound of me going over the proverbial cliff again? Poof!
Let’s celebrate the large number of “Wile E.” personalities in sports!
Those of us with “Wile E.” personality types share a common passion.
We chuckle as we come up with yet another absolutely genius idea. Then we will spend an incredible amount of time and resources to develop our fabulous plan.
Finally, we hatch that idea and often end-up with yet another epic fail.
The other party seems to come out of the confrontation unscathed and happy to match wits with us again. Beep-beep!
It is now time to honor this year’s nominees and winners of the SwampSwamiSports.com Wile E. Awards!
Drum roll, please…
Category 1: “Acme Credit Card” Award – for spending billions of dollars and still finding creative ways to fail
Nominees:
New York Yankees – Major League Baseball
Dallas Cowboys – NFL
Los Angeles Clippers – NBA
LIV Golf – Professional Golf
Background:
New York Yankees – The Bronx Bombers are frequent visitors to the baseball playoffs. Alas, their last World Series title came 17 years ago in 2009 when the Yankees downed Philadelphia. Tampa Bay (with a payroll of $111 million) sits in first place in the American League East today. The New York Yankees have spent three times that amount ($334 million) for their second place position.
Dallas Cowboys – “The Curse of Tom Landry” still lingers over team owner Jerry Jones and his football team. It has been 31 years and counting since Dallas made its last Super Bowl appearance. Jerry Jones was the man who fired beloved Cowboys coach Tom Landry. Landry passed away in 2000. Dallas has yet to play in an NFC title game since the coach’s passing. Hmm…
Los Angeles Clippers – This NBA franchise was purchased by former Microsoft executive Steve Ballmer in 2014 for $2 billion. The Clippers’ “windows” for winning NBA titles have been stuck in the “clouds” since the year 1970.
This team has never appeared in an NBA Finals since the franchise began as the Buffalo Braves 56 years ago.
LIV Golf – The Saudi Public Investment Fund rolled out $1.5 billion just to buy enough pro golfers to start this new league five years ago. LIV Golf has then lost an additional $1 billion every year since the league began playing in 2022. They are now searching for new investors willing to lose hundreds of millions of dollars with them in 2027.
And the winner is…
LIV Golf! This league’s arch-enemy is the stodgy PGA Tour. The PGA has cleverly avoided nearly every trap which was set for them by upstart LIV Golf. Never fear, LIV 2.0 is now on Wile E’s drawing board. The golf league is rumored to be negotiating with “Acme” to provide new financing (a lot of it) if LIV Golf 2.0 returns in 2027.
Category 2: “Failure to Launch” Coaching Award – for getting their fans excited about winning a championship but failing to deliver results
Nominees:
Brian Kelly – former LSU football coach
Lane Kiffin – current LSU football coach
Lincoln Riley – current USC football coach
Bruce Pearl – former Tennessee and Auburn basketball coach
Brian Kelly – Kelly has been a very successful college football coach (primarily north of the Mason-Dixon line). He was never able to get his football teams (Cincinnati, Notre Dame or LSU) into the FBS title game, though. Brian Kelly (who received $54 million in a contract buyout to leave LSU last year) has become a broadcaster for CBS Sports this fall.
Lane Kiffin – Kiffin’s father (Monte) was a very successful NFL defensive coordinator. The younger Kiffin became the offensive guru of the family. Lane Kiffin’s teams usually win a lot of games, but he has yet to lead a team into a title game yet. LSU fans will give him a couple of years – maybe.
Lincoln Riley – Much like Lane Kiffin, the sportswriters dubbed Riley as one of the most talented offensive minds in all of college football. The 42-year old Lincoln Riley has been a big winner at both Oklahoma and USC. Expectations have remained high for Coach Riley, but his teams haven’t been able to climb that mountain yet. A better defense would help.
Bruce Pearl – This rather animated former college basketball coach won 70% of his games at Tennessee and, later, Auburn. Known for his colorful clothing choices and “Super Genius” bravado, Bruce Pearl projected a very “Wile E. Coyote” confidence and style. He retired a year ago without having coached in a national title game. Bruce Pearl now works as a college basketball analyst for CBS Sports.
And the winner is…
Brian Kelly! BK has impeccable credentials. He dressed and looked the part of a successful coach. However, he also never tamped-down expectations and rarely gave a straight answer about the deficiencies of his LSU football teams. Brian Kelly’s prickly personality failed to connect with LSU fans or the media. He is not missed around the Baton Rouge area.
Category 3: “Thud” Award – Professional sports team which always seems to go over the cliff every season
Nominees:
Detroit Lions – NFL
Pittsburgh Pirates – Major League Baseball
New Orleans Pelicans/Hornets/Jazz – NBA
Buffalo Bills – NFL
Detroit Lions – This franchise came tantalizingly close to earning a trip to the Super Bowl a few years ago. However, Lions fans knew (deep down in their breaking hearts) that the proverbial rug would likely be pulled from underneath them. The Lions are now a perfect 0-60. They have never played in a Super Bowl.
Pittsburgh Pirates – Remember the 1970’s hit song “We Are Family” by Sister Sledge? If you do, then you also remember the 1979 World Series title for Steel City’s baseball team. They haven’t returned to the top since then (47 years and counting).
New Orleans Pelicans – New Orleans has never seen any of its three NBA franchises play for a title. The New Orleans Jazz (1974-1979) moved to Utah. Years later, the Hornets (2002-2013) buzzed back to Charlotte. Even the New Orleans Pelicans (2013-present) have never placed a team into the NBA Finals.
Buffalo Bills – This proud NFL franchise earned its way into the Super Bowl in four straight years (1990, 91, 92, and 93). Alas, they lost each time. Much like our friend Wile E. Coyote, the Buffalo Bills are resilient. This team has earned its way into the AFC playoffs for seven consecutive seasons. The Bills reached the AFC title game on two occasions in 2020 and 2024. As you might remember, Buffalo lost both times – to the Kansas City Chiefs (meep, meep!).
And the winner is…
The Buffalo Bills! The Bills just keep coming back for more every season. You’ve really got to admire this franchise for its dogged determination. In September, Buffalo begins its first season of play in a new football stadium.
Based on the team’s history, perhaps the stadium should have been named “Acme Field.”
Category 4: Wile E. “Super Genius” Award – National sports media personality who believes that he absolutely positively knows more about sports than the rest of us
Nominees:
Stephen A. Smith
Pat McAfee
Colin Cowherd
Tony Romo
Stephen A. Smith – Remember George Jefferson from the television show “The Jeffersons?” Listen to Smith and tell me they aren’t related! Stephen A. Smith is frequently on-point, but it takes him a long time to get there.
Pat McAfee – ESPN has been busy laying off staff recently while giving this talented blowhard even more cash. McAfee (a former NFL punter) comes across like a pro wrestler delivering a promo to get people to come to tonight’s local matches. He smartly built-up a massive YouTube audience of younger followers prior to joining ESPN. Pro tip – Watch coach Nick Saban’s face contort whenever McAfee is speaking. It is pure Saturday morning TV gold.
Colin Cowherd – Pound for pound, he may be the biggest sports bloviator on television. Cowherd does his homework, though. He is on point with most of his commentaries. It would be nice if Cowherd (and Stephen A. Smith) dialed down the volume a bit.
Tony Romo – The former Dallas Cowboys quarterback-turned-CBS analyst earns about $20 million per year (about $1 million per game). His early years at CBS were fun and insightful. Alas, Romo’s recent years have him sounding rather unprepared and out of sync with his broadcast partner. Jim Nantz is one of the few TV professionals who can cover for Tony Romo’s increasing number of miscues every week.
And the winner is…
Tony Romo! This particular award is intended for someone whose ideas and comments usually go awry and lead to a crash landing. Tony Romo’s on-air performances in the last few years at CBS have been about as “Wile E.” as you can possibly get.
“Poof!”