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Sometimes, you just never know what the answer will be when you ask a celebrity for an exclusive interview.
In my annual letter addressed to the North Pole, I asked Mr. Kringle (aka Santa Claus) if he would grant my Christmas wish and allow me a few minutes to get his take on the world of sports. Much to my surprise, he agreed!
Here’s how our phone conversation went earlier this week:
Me: Santa, I am so thrilled that you have agreed to find a few minutes to talk sports with me before your busy day this Friday! I’ve been a big fan of yours for a long time.
Santa: Yes, I’ve known you were a sports enthusiast ever since you asked for that set of plastic golf clubs back when you were seven years old! Your Mom wasn’t very happy when you hit your older brother over the head with that plastic putter, you know. To your credit, you seemed to have improved on that temper problem over the years. Ho, ho, ho!
Me: Hey, you really ARE Santa Claus, aren’t you? What’s your most requested item this year?
Santa: That’s easy! I just received a big order for 500 million COVID home testing kits from the President. Talk about a tough order! He wants those ready by January. Hey, when are we going to talk about sports?
Me: Of course, Santa! Since I’ve lived my entire life down South, I was curious if you are much of a football fan.
Santa: Ho, ho, ho! You’re looking at a man who loves watching football on television as much as anyone. How do you think I got this belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly?
Me: At your age, you’re allowed, big guy! By the way, just how old are you?
Santa: I figured you might be going there. My official answer is, “I am as old as my nose and a wee bit older than Mrs. Claus!” A few of these newfangled internet websites say that I am 1,751 years old this year. For a man who eats as many cookies as I do one just one night of the year, I stay on my paleo diet the rest of the time to drop some of the extra pounds. Hey, maybe you should try it too, tubby! I see you’ve only lost one pound this year instead of the ten pounds you promised to lose.
Me: Watch it, Santa, or I’ll ask if venison is on your paleo diet!
Santa: Good one! I’ll use that line during my next interview!
Me: Back to football, what did you think about the recent LSU football coaching change?
Santa: I liked Coach Ho-Ho-O’s personality, but his last two years as a coach just weren’t up to par. He got an early Christmas present with that huge severance package, so Santa will be putting a list of good tax accountants in his stocking later this week!
Me: What’s your opinion of their new football coach, Brian Kelly?
Santa: If he can recruit a great offensive line to come play at LSU like the O-lines he had at Notre Dame, I think Tiger fans are going to warm-up to him just fine. Keep an eye on that new high school quarterback Coach Kelly just signed last week from south Louisiana. That young man plays looks like a young Drew Brees. He might be really good!
Me: The SEC and the rest of the country just can’t seem to take down Alabama from the top of the college football world. Santa, are you helping Coach Saban more than the rest of the college football coaches?
Santa: Well, it’s hard not to like another guy who is called St. Nick! I will admit to putting a few extra 5-star recruits in his stocking every year. Ho, ho, ho!
Me: Thanks for being truthful, Santa. Let’s switch to pro football for a moment. Do you think the Dallas Cowboys will finally get back to the Super Bowl this year for the first time since 1995?
Santa: I may be one of the few people who realize just how many Dallas Cowboys fans there are in America. Me and Coach Tom Landry were buds for the longest time, you know. I know this may not make some Cowboy fans happy, but my wife is more of a Tom Brady fan. Gotta keep Mrs. Claus happy, you know!
Me: Our New Orleans Saints are really struggling after Drew Brees retired. What do you think they need to get back to the top again?
Santa: Did I tell you that my elves are big fans of the WhoDat Nation? I think the Saints should write a big check to get Russell Wilson away from Seattle or pick a new quarterback in the first two rounds of the draft. The current quarterbacks, bless ‘em, just aren’t good enough to win a championship. My elves also put in a request that the Saints find a good blocking back for my friend, Alvin Kamara. He’s getting beat-up in the Saints backfield!
Me: Wow, Santa! You really do follow pro football! What did you think about Urban Meyer getting fired last week by the Jacksonville Jaguars?
Santa: I feel sorry a bit for Urban right now. His style of coaching just wasn’t suited for the pro game with the players making millions of dollars, too. I’m not so sure that the Jacksonville owner hasn’t been secretly trying to alienate the remaining fans so that he can move this team to London. Hey – I think you wrote about that recently, didn’t you, Swami?
Me: You’re one smart cookie, Santa! Let’s talk NBA basketball for a minute. Who’s your favorite basketball team?
Santa: My elves and I were big fans of the Boston Celtics for years, but I admit being a bit partial to the Golden State Warriors this season. I really like to watch Steph Curry play. I’d also be just fine if my buddy Chris Paul could finally win his first championship ring in Phoenix this year, too. Both of those teams are fun to watch!
Me: I seem to be losing interest in basketball over the past few years, Santa. What do you think they should change?
Santa: Too many three point shots for me! Most teams are taking about half of their shots as three pointers! I would only allow three point shots during the final two minutes of each quarter. That would make the game a bit more interesting again. Hey, I think you suggested that idea before, too! Just remember – Santa is always watching you, Swami!
Me: Yeah – you and the federal government!
Santa: No, No, No! Santa does not sell your secrets to any government! I can’t say the same thing about social media, though. Let’s move along. Next question!
Me: I have been a big golf fan for most of my life. What should be done to stop the players from hitting such long drives and making our most historic golf courses play like a they are a municipal layout?
Santa: Yes, I probably made a very big mistake when I had the elves start making those metal woods and high tech golf balls, didn’t I? My long-time friend Jack Nicklaus keeps sending notes every year asking me to change the golf balls back to fly the same distance as they did when he played on tour 40 years ago. Personally, I’d rather see the golfers penalized for playing so doggone slow. Four hours is plenty of time to play 18 holes. I say let’s put a 30 second shot-clock on the players and also make them putt-out on the greens instead of marking the golf ball after their first putt. Speed up play first, and we’ll revisit the equipment issue next!
Me: Wow, that’s a terrific idea, Santa! Do you have a favorite golfer right now?
Santa: Well, Mrs. Santa gets a little jealous when she sees me watching the LPGA women playing on TV. So, for the record, I admit to being a big fan of Bernhard Langer on the Champions Tour for the men. That guy never seems to grow old – just like me! Ho! Ho! Ho!
Me: I know that you’ve got a lot of work to do to get ready for this Friday night, Santa. Any final sports comments that you’d like to say to the audience before you leave?
Santa: Yes! I do NOT want to see a Georgia vs. Alabama rematch in the college football championship game in a few weeks. Coach Kirby Smart at Georgia has been a very good boy over the years, and it hurts to hear so many people criticizing him after just one loss. By the way, Swami, my favorite college football team is actually North Dakota State. Did you know they’ve won eight championships in the last ten years? That’s even more often than St. Nick’s team at Alabama. My reindeer are really big fans of the Bison, you know!
Heaux, heaux, heaux! Merry Christmas, ya’ll!!!